Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
