Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
