Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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