I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
