Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize