On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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