Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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