you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
His nipple licking is glorious
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