Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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