I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
