I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
