you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
