I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
