If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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