like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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