I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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