8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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