My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
