The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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