She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
