Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A bitchslap is in order.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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