anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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