All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
