This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
