well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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