i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
