Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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