I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
