dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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