You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
