the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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