i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
