he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pants are for mortals
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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