I think my fart just growled at me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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