Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
