dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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