Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize