Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
