my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish i was in the wii world.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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