This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
