I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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