Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
