Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All I want is dick and wine.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
