i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize