Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
