I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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