someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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