you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
