I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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