So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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