he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Drake has all the answers
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize