let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
