umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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