I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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