I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
