My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
