I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
