woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
