Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
