we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize